I was at Trader Joe's on Saturday, buying food for the meal I would make for the Death and Dying Dinner Party I was hosting that night. (It was a potluck.)
I ran into a friend I had just seen at my birthday celebration two weeks earlier.
"Hey!" she said.
"Hi!" I said back.
"Good to see you," she said.
"You too! I'm so sorry I didn't spend much time with you at the party." I said.
She smiled warmly. "I know, but that's what happens when you host parties!"
Then I had an idea.
"Would you and Matt (not his real name) be interested in coming over tonight for a Death and Dying Dinner Party? There are two seats available."
"A death and dying what?" she asked, her eyes slightly widened as her body leaned ever so slightly back.
"A Death and Dying Dinner Party. It is a dinner party where people openly share their ideas, concerns, and questions in a safe environment. Sitting with people, connecting, laughing, and sometimes crying about death is an amazing experience. You and Matt should come. I know you would add to the conversation!"
"No, thank you." She responded quickly. "Sitting around and talking about death is too morbid for me."
Earlier, I asked my neighbor if he wanted to come.
"No!" he had said as if I had asked to try on his pants.
Later, he texted me, saying, "I wanted to say have fun, but that seemed inappropriate."
And then I had a "Well, duh!" moment.
Not everyone is comfortable talking about death.
Most people aren't comfortable talking about death.
If my husband hadn't died, if I had been involved with a widowed community, if I hadn't written a book about how to support someone who is dealing with loss, I would be uncomfortable talking about death, too.
That's why I talk about it. It is the one thing that WILL happen to ALL of us.
Then I started to think about why we don't like to talk about death, and my list quickly got super long. But I think the six main reasons are:
Fear of the unknown: We don't know when we will die. Even at the dinner party, we talked about wanting to die in our sleep or, at a minimum, of old age. We didn't tackle the fact that some of us might leave the dinner that night and die – just like that.
Personal beliefs: Death brings up religious and spiritual beliefs. If you believe in heaven and I don't, that can lead to an uncomfortable conversation, especially in today's world, when civil and respectful disagreements are harder to come by.
Fear of upsetting others: What I see a lot of times is a fear of "making someone cry" or of causing distress. While being thoughtful of others is a good thing, you're 1. Not responsible for someone else's feelings, and 2. Crying is not bad!
Personal experience with loss: This week, I'm at a speaking conference, and on the first day, I cried in front of a woman who I had only known for two hours. I wasn't mortified because I have been addressing and have addressed a lot of grief, especially early on after Art died. But I was lucky. Many people do not have the opportunity to experience their grief, and the more they don't address it, the bigger and more painful it becomes. Then it feels too overwhelming to even talk about.
Cultural taboo: In the US, talking about death is just not done. People think people who talk about death are weird. Talking about death at work is considered even more off-limits.
Superstitions: Superstition is a belief based on irrational fear (or faith) in supernatural influences or powers. It often involves a belief in luck, magic, or fate, and can lead to irrational behaviors or rituals. One of those irrational behaviors can be to think if you talk about death, that will somehow draw it nearer.
But maybe, just maybe, it can be seen as something else:
a curiosity to explore.
What I know from my experience is the more I talk about death, the more alive and appreciative I am of my life and the people in it. It's not a bad trade-off!
I will close with this quote that I heard yesterday.
Where your growth lies in your discomfort.
What is the number one thing that makes you uncomfortable when you think about talking about death? Take this one-question survey!
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