Not knowing what to say to a grieving friend, colleague, or team member can knock even the most confident person's confidence. There are phrases you can say but first, it's important to know what not to say!
The number one question I get is, “What do I say to my grieving colleague/friend/neighbor/family member?” This question is usually asked in a barely contained desperation combined with a sense of panic and uncomfortable helplessness.
And that is what I am going to share with you today.
Before I share with you what to say, I need to share with you the number one phrase not to say.
Now, here’s the thing about the number one phrase not to say.
You've said it. I am 99.9% sure that you said it to somebody.
It’s a phrase that feels helpful, and when we say it, we really mean it… in the moment.
It’s ambiguous and doesn’t really have any meaning.
The place where we learned the phrase often cannot be traced, but we feel it's something we are supposed to say.
And… even now, it’s often at the tip of my tongue, but I know better than to utter the words.
If you are a reader of my blog, then you know the phrase!
Now, this is not just my opinion. I have asked over 1,000 people who have dealt with significant loss, and they all agree that it’s not helpful.
The problem with the phrase is that at the beginning of loss, it signifies support, and so to the newly grieving, it actually does bring comfort briefly. But after a few days, they discover that it’s super not helpful.
Ready?
Here is the least helpful phrase you can say:
“If you need anything, let me know.” Or some variation of it.
Now, the thing is, when you say it, it feels like you are being super helpful.
But there are three specific reasons why it is the least helpful phrase.
Reason #1 - What is anything?
Are you going to pick up their snot-nose preschooler in your brand new, never-used-with-kids Mercedes? Or did you mean that you’d be happy to drop off a gallon of soy milk?
Did you mean that you are willing to go to Russia and get some very special caviar? (I heard a story where this was a request!) Or did you mean that you’d be happy to hang with them?
Anything is too big a word for anybody to wrap their head around, particularly for a person who is grieving. Their brain is working hard to rewire itself. (More about the brain and grief in a later post.)
The grieving person doesn’t know what “anything” is! Anything cannot be pinned down.
Reason #2 - They have no idea what they need.
As I mentioned earlier, a grieving person’s brain is literally rewiring itself, causing them to be forgetful and absentminded. In many cases, a grieving person doesn’t know what they need until they need it.
I remember month three after my husband died. I decided to cook dinner for our three kids. (Looking back, it was a crazy idea, but I saw it as a sign that I was getting past his death.) I got the water boiling, and I went to the cabinet where we kept all things boilable, and I realized we didn’t have a single thing to boil—no rice, no pasta, nothing.
At that point, I needed someone to run to the store and grab some pasta.
And there are many other similar stories I have heard from grievers. When you say, “Let me know if you need anything,” you are asking a person whose brain is not functioning well to take apart their day and figure out one thing that you might be willing to do.
So you’re inadvertently putting pressure on them instead of relieving it.
I know it’s a little mind-blowing. 🤯
Reason #3 - You are asking them to risk being rejected.
So, let’s just say your grieving person has actually figured out what they need. (I had a widow friend who kept a list of things she always seemed to need in the Notes app. She surprised many by answering, “If you need anything, let me know,” with specific requests. She’s pretty sure that about 60% of them were taken aback by her response. One person called her rude!
With the statement, “If you need anything, let me know,” you are now asking them to have the courage to call you up and ask you to do something that you may not want to do!
This goes back to reason #1 - what is anything? It’s just too big a word, and if we are honest, we all have limits on how we are actually willing to help.
To use the vomiting toddler example, your friend or coworker would have to call you and say something like, “I’m sorry to bother you at work. I’m not sure if this is what you had in mind when you offered, but… can you go pick up my youngest from school? The school called and said he is vomiting and needs to leave. I can’t get him right now.”
And then … your grieving person needs to wait for you to hopefully say yes.
Asking for help on a regular, no-one-has-died day is tough enough for us non-grieving humans. Can you imagine asking someone for help with a thing they may not want to do and risking being rejected in a vulnerable moment?
Me neither!
That's why the phrase, “If you need anything, let me know,” is the least helpful phrase you can say. It puts pressure on the person you’re trying to help to figure out what “anything” is and puts them in a vulnerable state, having to risk being rejected.
There is ONE exception to this. If your grieving person is exceptionally close to you—like having worked together for the last 15 years, having keys to your house, and knowing and attending kid's birthdays close—in that case, your grieving person will feel comfortable asking you for the pasta or the ride for their sick child.
Okay, so now you know. I hope you will never say it again, or if you do, you will quickly say, “Sorry, what I meant to say was ….” and follow up with one of the what-to-say suggestions below.
So now you’re saying, “Kim, what should I say?
The good news is there are lots of things you can say. For simplicity sake, I’m goin got divide them into two categories.
Giving comfort (comforting words)
Bringing comfort (helpful actions)
Giving Comfort
Let me start by saying that comfort and fixing are not the same thing. Nothing you can say or do will fix them or truly make them feel better. But you can show that your heart hurts for them, even if you have never experienced deep loss.
How? This is perfectly demonstrated by a story I read about Rabbi Morley Feinstein who gave a eulogy for Julia Siegler, a 13-year-old girl who was killed crossing the street to catch her school bus in LA just a year after my husband died.
“Do not attempt to give meaning to this tragedy. Do not explain that it was God’s will, or that it is for the best, or that the good die young, or that there is some kind of purpose to this because I think those phrases make a mockery of the hurt we feel. Instead say only this.
You are not alone. We love you. Your pain breaks my heart. Please know I will be there for you.”
Depending on the day, I still cry when I read this.
If you want to bring comfort to the grieving person (or team), acknowledging their pain is the best way to do it. Plain and simple, eloquent and meaningful.
Sitting with the griever’s pain is uncomfortable and the most powerful gift you can give them.
Bringing comfort.
Helping a grieving person or team is important, but instead of offering “anything,” be specific about what you can do!
The first edition of my book (the second edition is coming in 2026!) is dedicated to Kinny, a man who works at the Venice Farmers Market.
When I told him my husband had cancer, Kinny (Yes, it's spelled correctly) said, “If you need anything big moved, let me know.” To be honest, I thought it was the weirdest offer ever. But it stuck in my head because it was so specific and because he repeated it the offer.
Then, seven months after Art died, I decided it was time to rearrange the living room the way my life had been rearranged since his death, and that meant moving a grand piano. Who do you think I called?
The lesson here is to be specific when you offer support. The specificity is important. It makes you a “safe” person to ask for help from.
Not sure what to offer? Think about things that you like to do. Here are a few examples
Charts! True story: A colleague’s child died in a car accident. Let’s call the co-worker Claudia and the colleague Bob. Bob would do these monthly reports that required data to be represented in charts. Claudia would sometimes help him. She loved making charts that represented complicated data. So when Bob came back to work, that is what she offered. Bob took her up on it several times over his first few months back at work.
Corner grocery store: Text your grieving coworker/friend/family member and ask them to share with you what five food items are they almost out of. Then pick those items up and drop them at their desk or doorstep.
At first, being specific will feel uncomfortable because you might think that allowing them to choose what they need help with is more convenient.
It’s not, and to be really honest, it’s a little bit of a cop-out. Being supportive is not about making it easy on you, it’s about standing in the discomfort and making it easy on them.
And time is on your side. If they don’t take you up on one offer, try another one. Grief doesn’t end in a few months. That grieving person may take you up on your offer in months nine, ten, or 16 when they need that specific help, they remember your offer, and most of their support has disappeared.
And what a gift it is to your grieving person to know that you will do this one thing for them, even months later!
So please try hard not to say, “If you need anything, let me know.”
You don’t want to put the pressure on them.
Step in, show up and be specific. You are just what your grieving person needs. No one else can do for them what you can.
You matter!
What’s one thing you have done for a grieving friend or colleague? Or what is one thing that someone did for you that still appreciate now? Leave a comment below.
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