When a beloved colleague dies, the impact reverberates across the workplace in profound and, sadly, often unexpected ways. Grief in the workplace is not a solitary experience; it is a shared, collective emotional upheaval that affects teams, relationships, and productivity.
But it affects each team member differently.
To help you understand why, I want to introduce you to a psychological concept called the inclusion of others in the self-scale (IOS), developed by psychologist Arthur Aron. This framework provides invaluable insights into why the death of a coworker can affect team members so differently.
What Is the Inclusion of Other in Self Scale?
The Inclusion of Other and Self Scale is a simple yet profound way to measure how much overlap exists between the sense of self and others in a relationship, work, or other. It uses a series of increasingly overlapping circles to represent how interconnected we feel with another person. At one end of the scale are two circles barely touching. (This could represent you and someone you pass in the grocery store.) At the other end of the scale, one can barely see where the two circles do not overlap. (This could represent you and a family member, good friend, or colleague.)
This model goes beyond romantic or familial bonds; it applies to any meaningful connection—including those forged in the workplace. When we collaborate closely with someone, our sense of self can become intertwined with theirs. We invest in shared goals, celebrate joint achievements, and build routines that integrate their presence into our daily lives.
I love this image as it does a great job of explaining why some employees seem to be deeply affected by the death of a colleague and others are not.
Let's say Ben's circle of self and other, "other," being the college who died, have a relationship represented by overlapping circles similar to the first set of circles on the second row. However, Sally's relationship with other is represented by the second set of circles on the top row.
You can see why their reaction to their colleague's death will differ. (Other factors also influence grief, but that is for a different article)
Grief Through the Lens of Connection
When a colleague dies, especially one with whom there was significant "overlap," it can feel like a part of the team—and even a part of ourselves—is missing. The Inclusion of Self and Other Scale helps explain why grief can vary in intensity among the same team.
High Overlap Relationships: The loss can feel deeply personal for team members who share a strong bond with the deceased. They may experience disorientation as their sense of self adjusts to the absence.
Moderate Overlap Relationships: These employees might grieve more for the loss of routine, collaboration, or the person's role in their professional life.
Minimal Overlap Relationships: While grief may not feel as acute for those with less personal connection, they are still affected by the emotional atmosphere of the workplace, as well as the loss of routine and the challenges of supporting grieving colleagues.
No matter the bond, a coworker's death disrupts the team's dynamics, rhythms, and routines, which is not good for business or well-being. No matter how a colleague reacts to the death of a colleague, if they do not know their reaction is "normal" based on their Inclusion of Other and Self Scale, it can preclude them from feeling normal or that they are part of a team. As an HR professional, you know there are many far-reaching negative company-wide implications.
This is why simply acknowledging an employee's death is not enough. Educating a team on how the Inclusion of Self and Others Scale may affect their grief process is essential for culture and short- and long-term productivity.
When Returning to productivity after the death of an employee is about giving leaders the tools they need to understand and acknowledge these differences so they can guide their team through their grief and get back to productivity and a new normal sooner.
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